Nijiko Uzumaki's Guide to the Kumo Ninja
by Black Lighted Clouds
Summary: Nijiko tries to educate the Leaf Ninja's on the Cloud Ninja's. Insanity ensues. Warning: Alcohol mentioned minimal
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Naruto.

Nijiko Uzumaki's Guide to the Kumo Ninja

(Every Leaf Ninja from Naruto to Konohamaru was seated in a classroom of the Ninja Academy, chatting away quietly. The Sand siblings as well. None of them had any idea why they were here.)

(For some bizarre reason Akira, Shitumi, Dimitri, Akito, Aramaki, Motoko, Katchin, Annistov, Akizakura, Yuki, Azakura and Curai were also there, even though they were seated in the far back row.)

(Voice over an intercom) All right. The reason you are all here is because we are forcing Nijiko to give you all a lesson on Kumo and the Kumo Ninja. Carry on.

(Nijiko stands at the front of the room and groans) Okay, then, let's get this over with, shall we? Apparently I have to do this in Alphabetical order, so I'm going to be starting with my team: Akira, Dimitri and Shitumi.

(Voice on intercom) Hey! That's NOT Alphabetical order!

(Nijiko glares at the mechanical nuisance) I said their names in Alphabetical order, didn't I?!

(Intercom) Fine! But hurry up!

(Akizakura) Hold it!!

(Nijiko) What?

(Akizakura stands up) Why should we do this in Alphabetical order? Lord Aramaki, Lord Katchin and I are the most important! We should go first!

(Katchin) She's got a point.

(Aramaki) …

(Nijiko) Nobody cares what an old rat wants. I'm in charge of this so sit down and shut up you old snob.

(Akizakura) -nearly faints- How dare you! My Lord, I insist that you-

(Nijiko) Must you always whine to Master Aramaki?

(Akizakura faints)

(Aramaki) … Please continue, Nijiko-chan.

(Nijiko) Yes, sir. All right, if there are no more interruptions-

(Akira) –stands on table and belches loudly- (sings-- really badly) We drink and drink and drink and drink and then we'll drink some more-

(Nijiko) He's drunk again, isn't he?

(Shitumi) Yes.

(Dimitri) Obviously.

(Shitumi drags Akira onto the floor) Now you can carry on.

(Nijiko) Akira… well his physical features are kind of obvious… his Ninjutsu consists of only one waterfall Ninjutsu that cannot be used more than twice due to it's siphoning of chakra. His Genjutsu abilities are excellent and he has already exceeded more than two thirds of Kumo's Jonin-ranked ninja in that field. His targeting is pretty good and he sucks at Taijutsu. Period.

(Lee jumps onto table and does the nice guy pose) Akira my friend! Lousy Taijutsu?! That is simply not in the spirit of youth! I must teach you!

(Guy copies Lee) Hoo-ha! That's my student! You make me proud with your display of youth!

(Lee)-sniffle-Guy-s-sensei!

(Guy) –sob- Lee!

(Both bawl their eyes out and hug)

(Nijiko) For cripes sake! Will everyone kindly stop jumping on the desks and flooding the room with their tears and boring us all half to death with their talk of youth?! Now sit!

(Lee and Guy in unison) Youth?! Boring?!

(Nijiko) Sit!!

(Guy and Lee sit down sulking)

(Nijiko) Thank you. Akira's Family: He is an only child, no aunts, uncles or grandparents to speak of. His mother was never a ninja, but his father **was** and is now retired. His father is also famous for an occasion where he managed to drink a cocktail of three of the strongest alcohol substances there are and being able to sing the whole Irish drinking song two and a half times before passing out.

(Akira tears up) I'm so proud to be his son. One day I hope to succeed him and sing the whole song four times before passing out under the same circumstances. One day, I will achieve my goal!

(Nijiko) … That's wonderful, Akira.

(Akira brightens) Why wait? Why don't I do it right now?!

(Guy) How youthful!!

(Lee) Fill the halls with your enchanting voice Akira!!

(Nijiko) NO!!

(Akira bawls his eyes out) Oh thank you both!!

(Akira, Guy and Lee rush into a three-way hug)

(Nijiko) Will you quit that already?!

(Dimitri) Oh, leave them alone, Nijiko… they're just freaks… like me. (1)

(Kakashi picks Akira up and hands him to Shitumi before resuming his reading of his book.)

(Tenten pulled Guy back to his seat before being yanked into a hug she really didn't want.)

Try to hug me and I **will** kill you. (Neji threatened as he dragged a tearful Lee back to his seat.)

(Nijiko clears her throat) Moving on… Shitumi: again physical features obvious-

(Kiba stares at Shitumi) You don't have to tell me!

(Shitumi blushes)

(Hinata cries)

(Gaara) Why you--! (Tackles Kiba)

(Kiba) Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh! I was just telling the truth! Aaaaaaah!

(Shitumi and Temari in unison) Gaara! Stop!

(Hinata screams)

(Naruto) Fight! Fight! Fight!

(Kankuro) Go, Gaara! Kick his butt! That's my little brother!

(Bolt of Lightning nocks Kiba and Gaara apart)

(Nijiko) The next person who interrupts gets an 8000 voltage!! Got it?!

(Everyone quietly sits back down)

(Naruto hides under desk)

(Sasuke chuckles)

(Nijiko sighs) … I thought so. Ok, Shitumi… she uses Earth Style Ninjutsu, which she is enormously talented at…

(Kiba opens his mouth)

(Nijiko and Gaara gaze at him with promises of painful murder in their eyes)

(Kiba shuts his mouth)

(Nijiko continues) Her Genjutsu and Taijutsu abilities are unknown…Her family members are Dimitri, who is her brother, seven years her senior, he raised her. Parents are unknown. The only thing that is known is that they are the ones who put the Four-Tailed demon Hawk within her body in an effort to make a living weapon. (2)

(Naruto) The what?

(Dimitri) Oh, come on, Blondie! If you don't know by now there is absolutely no hope for you. (Shakes his head).

(Kumo nins begin to laugh until a loud crackling sound interrupts them)

(Curai) What in the world is-?

(Collective gulp)

(Nijiko) I WARNED YOU!!

(All the Ninja's run in fear as Nijiko goes on her rampage.)

A/N: This was my first try at writing in this style… please review, good or bad… as long as it helps. I will finish this fic later! Don't worry about it! Nijiko won't really kill them…right?

(1) This was said by the Joker in The Dark Night.

(2) Nobody knows what the Four-Tailed biju is… it's called "Artistic Licence".

REVIEW, PLEASE!!


	2. Take Two

**A/N:** Here's the second chapter of Nijiko Uzumaki's Guide to the Kumo Ninja. Sorry for the wait. I told you Nijiko wouldn't kill them… just severely injure them. Lol, enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto but you already knew that. I do however own Nijiko, her team and the Kumo Ninja mentioned… did I say that last time? I don't think so.

**Nijiko Uzumaki's Guide to the Kumo Ninja:**

**Take two.**

(All ninja from last time seated again, all sporting cuts and bruises)

(Nijiko) Now can I continue with this stupid lesson?

(Voice on Intercom) If you hadn't attacked them, it would've gone by much quicker.

(Nijiko) Who asked you?!

(Intercom) Just get on with it.

(Nijiko scowls and turns again) Okay then… who have I done? Oh, yes, Shitumi and Akira… Now Dimitri: physical is obvious, I've already mentioned the whole family thing. He is an elite assassin who uses Wind Style with his two swords; Misery and Deception, his Genjutsu and Taijutsu abilities are unknown.

(Kakashi) His Taijutsu isn't unknown.

(Guy) Kakashi my eternal rival! How youthful of you to make such an observation!!

(Kakashi)…

(Sasuke) How do you know about his Taijutsu skills?

(Kakashi) I have fought him before. I use to be a member of the Leaf Village Assassination Corps before you know.

(Sakura) And you won of course.

(Nijiko) Actually, Sakura, I have information on that fight. Dimitri won.

(Sakura) I'm smarter than you!! Kakashi-sensei won!!

(Kakashi) She's right Sakura, I lost.

(Nijiko) You really should get your information right before you mouth off, smarty-pants.

(Sasuke) You're worse than Naruto in that area.

(Sakura bursts into tears)

(Guy) Another victory by using Taijutsu alone with the spirit of Youth to back it up!

(Nijiko) … Guy, he used Ninjutsu as well in that fight.

(Guy sobs)

(Lee stands up on table)

(Nijiko) I thought I said no more standing on tables.

(Lee points at Nijiko and Sasuke) You are both the most unpleasantly un-youthful Ninja's I have ever met! Not only have you made my Beloved cry-(gazes adoringly at Sakura)-you have made the coolest sensei in the whole world cry! (gazes at Guy).It is simply not in the spirit of Youth!

(Nijiko) All right, the next person to say the word "Youth" goes in the dumpster!!

(Ino and Sakura squeal in horror at the thought)

(Sasuke claps his hands to his ears in a futile attempt to block out the dreadful sound)

(Guy) That's it girls!! Let out your magnificent war cries of Youth!!

(Using a Lightning Style technique, Nijiko plucks Guy off the ground) Aaaaaarrrrgh! You're messing up my youthful bowl-cut!!

(Walks to the dumpster and throws him in headfirst) Ooof!

(Slams the roof closed over his head and stomps her way back to the front of the room) Noooooo! My beautiful jumpsuit! Covered in muck and grime!

(Nijiko) Anybody else feel like going for a swim in waist high garbage?

(Everybody shakes his or her head feebly)

(Nijiko) Good. Okay, so we've finally covered my Team, thanks for nothing Kakashi. Now we're onto Akito. Listen, I'm just going to skip physical in future. It's getting quite tedious to constantly mention it. That all right with everybody?

(Nobody dared to speak against Nijiko as they're injuries still hurt quite a lot.)

(…Except one idiot with pink hair desperate to win Sasuke's approval)

(Sakura) It's not exactly a proper lesson if you omit information. What if we don't know what he looks like, mmmm?

(Nijiko) Get a pair of glasses. (1)

(Sasuke and Naruto chuckle deeply) Good one, sis.

(Nijiko) Thanks. Akito was the late Fourth Hokage's elder brother who deserted the Leaf Village twelve years ago. Besides that, his family consist of myself and my twin brother Naruto.We're his niece and nephew.

(Ino) You can't be.

(Nijiko) I beg your pardon?! I think I know who my own family is, without the interjection of an irritating, squealing, pointless bloody fan girl!!

(Ino) You can't be his niece and nephew! He didn't have another sibling besides the Fourth Hokage. You said so yourself.

(Naruto) The Fourth Hokage is our dad!

(Sakura scoffs) Oh, as if! There's no way **you** could be children of the Fourth Hokage!

(Ino) Billboard-Brow's right-

(Sasuke) No she's not. The Fourth Hokage **is** there father, so sit down and shut up the pair of you.

(Nijiko and Naruto in unison) Thanks, Sasuke. (2)

(Nijiko sighs and returns her attention to her waiting audience) Listen you lot, the faster we get this over with; the less likely I am to give you serious organ dysfunctions. Okay?

(Everyone nodded tiredly)

(Nijiko) Excellent. Akito uses Ice Style Ninjutsu and spends most of his fighting and normal life with arctic wolves, particularly one the size of Gamabunta called Frost. He has no Genjutsu skills and is pretty good at Taijutsu and targeting.

(Curai) Hang on a minute! Was Akito a wolf sage? Like Jiraiya is a toad sage?

(Nijiko) Why on Earth would you think that?

(Curai) Well, he was never around to look after you, you pretty much grew up fending for yourself, and you said he spent most of his time with his wolves. So… was he a sage?

(Nijiko) … No. Moving on-Lady Akizakura… Oh, god, I could say quite a lot about you, Lady… is she even conscious yet?

(Katchin looks over his shoulder) Nope, not yet.

(Nijiko) Ooooh… Okay then-

(Aramaki) Don't even think about it!

(Nijiko) Aw, you're no fun. (Sigh) All right… Akizakura is second in command in the Kumo Lightning Style Corps… she has no family at all… her Ninjutsu is pretty obvious and I **really** don't care about anything else she's got.

(Intercom) Nijiko-

(Nijiko walks over to the retched contraption and destroys it with one lightning-filled kick)

(Everyone once again begins to feel an impending sense of doom-or serious injury)

(Nijiko) Next is Anniston… he's head of the Assassination Corps. He has no **real **family, but he sometimes lives with Shitumi and Dimitri for long periods of time. His Ninjutsu is unknown, but he does have a special crossbow he can summon at anytime and the uncanny ability to use his chakra to turn anything, and I do mean **anything **into an arrow to fire. His Genjutsu is feeble-

(Anniston) Oi!

(Nijiko) It's the truth and you know it!! His targeting is the best of all the Jonins in Kumo and his Taijutsu is brilliant.

(Roof on dumpster opens creakily)

(Nijiko) If you're going to say the word "youth", I advise you to say your prayers first.

(Guy shuts the roof again)

(Nijiko) Thank you. Wow, three people in one go. That's the best we've had so far… Now for Master Aramaki… whoops, **Lord** Aramaki is the head of the Lightning Style Corps, which is the equal of the Raikage in Kumo, same as Anniston, 'cause he's head of the Assassination Corps.

(Anniston) Took you long enough to remember)

(Dirty look from Nijiko, before she continued) He's the one who taught me my Ninjutsu and nobody has any idea how good he is at Genjutsu, Taijutsu and targeting. But I'm **pretty** sure he's good with targeting… lightning Ninjutsu **does **require some form of targeting after all.

(Nijiko checks her list) All right, next is-

PERVERTS RULE THE WORLD!!

(Everybody looks at Shitumi in total shock at her outburst)

(Shitumi is very red in the face as she turns and glares at Kiba) Satisfied no, Kiba-baka?

(Kiba is currently lying on the floor, laughing his head off)

(A furious Nijiko turns to Kiba) You made her do that?!

(Kiba) Hey, don't blame me! **I **wanted her to yell "Laughter is youthful!" but she wouldn't.

(Jiraiya) AT LAST SOMEONE LIKE ME!!

(Shitumi) Eh?!

(Jiraiya) You're inspiring me, Shitumi!! You must help me write!

(A very creeped-out-looking Shitumi begins to back away slowly)

(Jiraiya begins to run towards his "inspiration" before being attacked roughly by Gaara (no surprise), Kiba (not much of a surprise) and Dimitri (big surprise!)

(As the room descended into general chaos, Nijiko sighed and received a cuddle from Sasuke)

A/N: Sorry, I couldn't think of any other spot to end this at. For those of you confused, this is in part one, just after the Chunin Exams. Akito didn't say anything because he's dead.

(1) I wear glasses. This is not offensive.

(2) It's my theory that he is their dad. And yes Sasuke is being nice for once.


	3. Part Three

**Previous Disclaimers and Claimers apply.**

**Nijiko Uzumaki's Guide to the Kumo Ninja**

Part Three.

(Everyone is seated once again with Jiraiya bleeding on the floor)

(Nijiko pulls herself out of Sasuke's arms and he sits down) There are only four people left. Can we please, please, **please** just get this over with?

(Grumble runs around the room)

(Nijiko) Azakura is a member of the Tatsuki clan, Kumo's deadliest. The clan is best known for their manipulation over animals of any kind at all and because they can control more than one at a time. Azakura's animals are insects, the majority of them being either dragonflies or bees. Azakura keeps her eyes covered by those huge sunglasses because of a curse jutsu that runs in her side of the clans' family. It's the-

(Azakura) DON'T YOU DARE!!

(Nijiko) ITS NOT LIKE I HAVE A FLAMING CHOICE!!

(Dimitri) Flames? Where?

(Nijiko) Oh, be quiet, you bloody pyromaniac. Fine, Azakura, I won't tell your damn secret. Happy?!

(Azakura mutters) I'm never happy…

(Nijiko) And don't we know it. She also hates Curai's guts, scares the living daylights out of a lot of people and is a right bloody cow. End of story. Next is Curai. Curai is also a member of the Tatsuki clan, but whereas Azakura is from the lesser side, Curai is the heir of the clan. Her mother was an Anbu captain well respected and known and generally a nice person, but unfortunately died about seven months ago.

(Curai stares at the floor and her father looks guiltily at her)

(Nijiko) She is the best weapons mistress in Kumo despite being a Genin, but her speciality is bombs. Her Taijutsu is about average, her Genjutsu is average as well and her pets are Chomp and Pork, who she rarely uses in battle but can as a last resort.

(Chomp barks loudly and chases Pork around the room who is oinking madly)

(Curai pins Chomp down as Pork runs to Yuki) Bad dog! Bad pig! Both of you come here now and behave!

(Chomp and Pork do as they're told glumly)

(Nijiko) …If the animals have stopped their war, we need to be getting on. Now we have Lord Katchin… he recommended me to join the LSC and is the third in command. His skill for spotting potential in Ninja's rivals Orochimaru's as does his strength as a Ninja. He's also a right royal git if you wanted to know.

(Katchin) Why you little brat-!

(Aramaki) She has a point, Katchin.

(Katchin) WHAT?!

(Nijiko clears her throat in warning)

(The dumpster roof creaks open) Can I come out now?

(Nijiko) When the lesson is over.

(Guy) Ohhhhh… (Closes roof again)

(Nijiko) Last and not least is Yuki. She is Lord Katchins' daughter and Curai and Azakura's cousin. Her mother was Curai's aunt on her fathers' side and the marriage between her parents was arranged. Neither of them liked each other very much and they were forced into it. Yuki's mother committed suicide when she was three. Her Ninjutsu is Ice Style and she has only one Lightning Style Ninjutsu. Her Genjutsu and Taijutsu are feeble. Because she can't do Lightning Ninjutsu properly, her father treats her like rubbish and is basically the biggest b-

(Choji) No! Please don't cry, Yuki… (He looks out the window) There's some chocolate! I'll get it for you if you promise you won't cry!

(Choji launches himself at the window. The glass shatters and a bigger problem ensues) Aaargh! I'm stuck!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

(Yuki) Choji!

**(After several hours of Sasuke and Naruto tugging on Choji's legs and Gaara using his sand to push Choji from the other side with Lee's Taijutsu, they finally managed to free Choji from his square trap)**

(Nijiko) Well now, let's- Hang on… Yuki was the last person on the list… the lesson's over! OVER! I'M FREE!!

(Shitumi) But, Nijiko, you didn't-

(Nijiko is gone in a flash of light)

(Shitumi) …But she forgot someone.

(Sakura) Hah! I knew she'd screw up! Who'd she forget?

(Shitumi)…Isn't that obvious, Pinkie?

(Sasuke) She didn't do her own profile. She forgot herself.

(Dimitri) Okay… So who's gonna do her? Come to think of it… does anyone actually know **anything** about her that **isn't** obvious the first time you meet her?

(Everyone looks at him blankly)

(Dimitri) I guess not.

(Sasuke) …I'll do it. (Stands up) Nijiko already mentioned her family when she did Akito. But he didn't actually raise her in the sense you would think… he kind of abandoned her when she turned six. Anyway, I'm certain we all know exactly how good she is at Lightning Style Ninjutsu.

(Groans and mutterings sound around the room. They all sincerely wished they **hadn't** seen Nijiko's Ninjutsu… too late now)

(Sasuke) She has no Genjutsu abilities in the slightest, but her Taijutsu is actually pretty strong. …That's it… I guess we can all leave now.

(When the cloud of dust settled, there wasn't a Ninja in sight and half of the wall that held the door had been blown to pieces. That was probably Curai)

**(Several hours later, a groan was heard before a curse of pain as someone's forehead collided with a desk)**

(Akizakura looked around as she stood up) Ah! Those ingrates! How dare they just leave me lying on the floor! MY LORD ARAMAKI!!

(She runs out of the room)

(The dumpster roof suddenly lifts away) The lesson's over? I'VE BEEN IN A DUMPSTER, SOILING MY BEAUTIFUL JUMPSUIT FOR HOURS WHEN I COULD HAVE GONE HOME?! **THAT IS SOOO NOT YOUTHFUL!!**

A/N: Fic's over now. I hope you enjoyed it and thank you to everyone who reviewed/alerted/read my story! It's a great confidence booster. This was probably the worst chapter, but it was the best I could do, I swear! I really did try!

Thanks again! (R & R, PLEASE!!)


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